Stages: Handbook on Men and Relationships – Chapter 2

Chapter 2
My philosophy on relationships is straight out of the Bible, “Do unto others.” The way I see it, you’re only going to get married once. At least I am. I figure if I get all this playing games stuff outta my system now, I’ll be a better man for it. I’ll be able to love whoever I decide to settle down with unconditionally because I will have gone through my midlife crisis.
Look at it this way. If a brother doesn’t get to hit at least twenty different women in his life, okay fif-, how about eight different women in his life before he settles down, then he’s going to mess around. I don’t give a damn who he is, he will fuck around on his wife cause he’ll always be like, ‘Damn I didn’t get to hit any other skins, and look at that sister right there.’ That’s right, that’s the kind of thing he’ll say right before he tips his butt out to the Freaky Luv hotel on MLK avenue, cross the skreet from the store where he bought his Big Ding Dings Condoms. Don’t laugh, you know I’m right. A man has to get this stuff outta his system, if he doesn’t then he becomes one of those cats that turns forty-eight years old and goes out to buy a red Corvette and find him a little White, Black, or it doesn’t matter what color, chick with some plastic titties to spend all of his wife’s hard earned money on. More than likely he’ll find a woman that’s different or to use a more concise explanation, the exact opposite, of the woman he’s with. So understand that if a brother doesn’t go out and be wrong for a little while he’s never gonna be able to get right.
I’ve begun to figure out that it’s better for me to stick to my own kind. A lot of brothers out here in sunny California don’t feel that way. Don’t get me wrong, ain’t nothing wrong with having sex with others, but it’s awfully hard to settle down with someone that isn’t the same race as you. I don’t want to go through the drama which comes along with interracial romance stuff, like the stares and whispers from people you don’t know and hell, the stares and whispers from the people you do know. Don’t get me wrong I’m an equal opportunity man, it’s just awkward. If I happen to fall for someone that isn’t Black I would really have to put my life in perspective. With sisters I can feel comfortable if my plans go awry. I’m not saying it’s okay to play sisters and not play other women, I’m just saying that I wouldn’t feel comfortable getting caught up with someone other than a sister. You know what I mean?
I’m going to be straight, in the future, as long as you let me get this messing around stuff out of my system without tripping. Doing what I do can’t be so bad you know? Most women like bad boys anyway. But then again I’m not actually bad. I’m one of the good guys. I’ve never cheated on any of the women I’ve been with. At least not literally, I always ensured that one woman was out of the immediate picture before I moved on. In other words I don’t leave any loose ends and I don’t stay serious for a long time, that shit can be the death of you.
What usually happens to most women is some egghead strings a woman along for more than three months without stating that he is unsure of what he wants at the time. He allows himself to be too intimate and instead of pulling away, he pushes it and then tries to walk away, not cool.
Anyway, because this is a handbook, I would like to give you an example of what some pick-up styles are. First a brother will overhear some sisters talking about something they enjoy. He then plans what he’s going to say to the woman of his choice after he has thought of something that he can say that will be similar to what she likes, a keyword that he has overheard. Dig this, it’s rather long so go with the flow and see if you can catch what I’m saying. This is another one of my fine examples:
Brother stands around in a club, or maybe at the beach and listens, rather overhears, what a group of women are talking about after he has taken all of the information in he forms a plan. He gets the woman to talk for a minute about something that disturbs the woman,
“I’ve been hurt a lot and I really don’t trust most men.”
“Yeah I understand that and I understand why you are so closed right now. I’m just looking for a friend someone to kick it with. You know go to the movies, to poetry readings-” boy says hoping these are the right words.
Remember the keyword? In this case the brother overheard the word poetry in this woman’s conversation. He has decided that this will be the basis for a good conversation.
“You enjoy poetry, I do too. I like relaxing and hearing good mellow poetry,” says girl.
“I like Slams myself.”
“Slam poetry is overrated.”
“What? Are you crazy? Spoken word is the bomb. You must be going to the wrong places.”
“No, I’m going to the right places.”
“That’s why you’re meeting bad men.” With these few words the conversation begins to turn to relationships. It often happens unconsciously.
“Huh? What do you mean by that?” says girl.
“Look, Slam poetry is emotion, anger, frustration, love, all compressed into an immediate flow of verbs and nouns that are spontaneous.”
“In other words you don’t have a gang of brothers writing bullshit, excuse my French, love poems to impress the ladies,” says boy manipulating the conversation to an area he’s comfortable with.
“How does that make me meet the wrong man?”
“Well, a brother that’s spending all of his time writing love poems is obviously spending a grip of time thinking of ways to get a woman to think he’s sensitive.”
“Hold on, let me get this right. You’re saying brothers at non slam poetry readings are only there to scheme?”
“Wrong. From what I understand slam poets don’t have an inkling about how to write a poem the way they are supposed to be written. They just curse, use big words and body antics to cover for a lack of content. It’s all about the show, not the material.”
“See, that’s why you ain’t got no man. You’re too high brow. If you just listen to what I’m saying-”
“Oh, I guess a sister is supposed to accept what a man-”
“I didn’t say all that now. You jumping ahead of yourself.”
“I don’t have a man cause there aren’t any men, just boys looking at old blaxploitation movies and listening to rappers, so they can be some tired ass players.”
At this point boy tells girl that maybe she should experience a Slam with him. Girl accepts and the game is on. Boy should now stress that he isn’t looking for a relationship, and let her know that he’s enjoying her company. After the first date is finished he can continue to speak with the woman, but he has to keep saying that he likes the friendship, he has to flip it and start telling girl how his last girlfriend played him. This creates sympathy. On the second date everything is getting comfortable so you make a small move like holding her hand if she is saying something important, nothing too heavy though.
Hold on, before I let this example get away from me, what I’m trying to say is this, if you know that the woman is going to be just a sex partner let her know up front that you respect her wishes and that you don’t want to force anything. As a matter of fact allow her to make the decision to be with you. In other words on the third date, if there is one, see how far you can go.
It’s the third date. Well, not the third date really because you aren’t dating, you’re just kicking it. Funny thing is when you’re just kicking it, a woman always begins to expect more and more from you even when you are attempting to be a gentleman and keep things platonic, as I do. Like I was saying it’s the third date, three weeks into your Friendship. You start making small moves, letting her know that you might be interested in getting more serious, sex serious not relationship. Dinner at her place, not really dinner, but pizza and videos.
At this point boy knows that there are only a few days before he’s going to get her in bed, so he continues to play the role. She plays a role as well, acting as if she only wants a friend, when she knows damn well she wants a man. It’s only natural. Simple supply and demand, women love companionship and men are more than eager to provide. By the time this third date takes place the friends have begun to kiss each other on the cheek when they see each other. She’s laughing at his jokes a little bit harder than she has been. As a man, boy knows there are points in the relationsh- sorry, friendship, when he has girl, when he’s in good with her. At the moment he realizes this, boy pushes it.
I’ve been at this point often, so instead of offering a, “Boy meets girl scenario,” I’ll leave the scenarios alone for a minute, because hell, what you’re supposed to do is common sense pretty much right? Alright then, I guess it’s not.
What you’re supposed to do is simple. You have good conversation, on the first date. Talk on the phone, until the second date. On the third date you push the boundaries by bringing up an uncomfortable topic, like old boyfriends. What this does is create tension. It also places you in a different position than the ex. You become sensitive. If you’ve worked the sensitive thing, in the next week or so you’ll be sharing a nice warm bed. For a Stage One man this process of getting in good with a woman isn’t as refined. But for a Stage Two guy the routine is pretty much set.
I know you are still trying to figure out what a stage is, I’ll get there. This is a process, you know like the one your pastor has at Little Rolling Creek of the Methodist Saints Ebenezer Baptist Church A.M.E. Why the hell are church names so long anyway? Probably because the more names, the more money you can charge for admission. I’m sorry but I had to say that.
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